Within the final component of the first Authentic Reflections program I asked participants to bring what they learnt to their greater communities (internalize belonging and externalize community). They came up with some community values that they wanted to share: The following is a summarization of several of our conversations. I see these values as the foundation of what the program meant for the participants and a good starting point for facilitating intimacy as a group.
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Belonging: “the understanding that you are an integral part of a community that embraces you for being authentic”
This group gave me a deep knowledge of how to create belonging - When total vulnerability (in this case brought about by intense self-reflection and group reflection) meets love and total acceptance; (this came from the hearts of the people in the group). -Authentic Reflections Participant Self-Esteem/Worth: In order to promote determining our individual contributions to a group or community and observing differences about sense of self from beginning to end of program, participants complete explicit reflection exercises in-line with these goals as part of group-sharing activities. The practice of being not only accepted, but embraced wholly for your beautiful imperfections in a group setting allows for an increase in self-esteem and self-worth, particularly as individuals take further risks and understand they are worthy of the love they are receiving. I felt the greatest sense of belonging at the turning point of feeling most isolated, unseen, and unloved, and being met there by love and support from the group. I was affirmed and held with open acceptance for my choices and my truth. -Authentic Reflections Participant Self-Expression: Many of the activities are centered around improving self-expression, such as through sharing narratives of past, present, and future, as well as, deeper truths, conflicting aspects of identity, and areas of identity involving insecurities. Improving self-expression is achieved through the support of emotional risks, sharing, and having all participants actively participate in activities and discussions. One thing stands out in my memory specifically about the group development. While we were forming a community everyone felt seen, and was able to grow personally because of the group. While we all focusing our energy on the group, the individual was not dissolved in the process. On the contrary, we grew on a personal level, each in their own way, because we grew as a group, something I had never expected. -Authentic Reflections Participant Find out more about programs here: http://chrysalisfacilitation.weebly.com/programs.html
Communities must know if a member will make available the time, energy, and financial commitment necessary to be a supportive, effective member.
Commitment, meaning a promise with no
expectation of reward, comes from a place of honesty and ownership. Taking part in genuine community requires stepping outside of entitlement found within a scarcity mentality with the question, “what’s in it for me?” With this expansion of awareness, comes an expansion of self, along with trust where each individual supports the group and knows they will be supported as needed. Before every program each participant reviews and accepts a carefully crafted Letter of Commitment. The letter provides an explanation of what being part of their community will entail and the sacrifices and challenges it requires. The letter is heavily framed within the idea that being part of a community means thinking more than individually.
“Go home and tell someone something a little too much. Take a risk. Maybe they will tell you something. If they do, take, catch it, hold it. Tell them that they belong to you, that you’re going to reserve a special place just for them. Tell them that they matter. Being connected doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice, you sacrifice because you care.
The more expectations you create, the better you’ll dance with them. Give something of value and accept something you don’t have that’s of value to you. Learn, teach, grow, and prepare them for the day that you’re not going to be there. Then tell the story about the people you love. Create rituals, symbols, and traditions then tell them your ability to build a community has grown.” -Dr. McMillan There is a distinct and meaningful difference between being invited and being welcomed. I compare this difference to the difference between accepting diversity and embracing it. Both are positive, yet the latter increases the level of connection between the individuals or amongst the group more than the former. With this in mind, I design invitations to each of the programs. Within the invitation I capture the 6 ideas of creating community by Peter Block: Members of communities must be active, as opposed to passive. Individuals within the community should not feel obligated, but rather show up by choice. Therefore, the decision to show up means something more.
By recognizing that any activity or goal may pose a different level of challenge for each group member and that authentic personal change comes from within, Challenge by Choice leaves the freedom to participate with the participants. Challenge by Choice asks participants to individually add value to the group experience by finding a way to contribute to the group’s efforts while also seeking to find value in the experience for themselves.
As a facilitator and community member it is useful to remember that reward, as opposed to humiliation, has a significant impact on attractiveness of the community to the person. Adapted from Project Adventure
Every group goes through predictable stages, although not every group completes them all. Progression through the stages can be enhanced and encouraged through particular activities. Pseudocommunity/Forming Stage:
This stage includes forming an atmosphere of safety and acceptance and avoiding controversy, differences, and disagreements. Individuality, intimacy, and honesty disappear as people act as if they have the same beliefs, understandings, and life histories. Activities associated with this stage include: Ice-Breakers, De-Inhibitizers/Energizers & Ceremonies/Creating a Group Commons Chaos/Storming Stage: The phase of chaos occurs once conflict and competition comes out.
This struggle is noisy, uncreative, and unconstructive unlike healthy conflict that occurs in genuine community. Activities associated with this stage include: Trust-Building & Group Initiatives Emptiness/Norming Stage: Despite the connotations, emptiness is a positive stage meant for rebirth.
During this process, other members of the community must listen as individuals share their weaknesses without feeling the need to offer advice or pretend as if they were not speaking. This stage includes cohesion, sharing, trust-building, creativity and skill acquisition. Activities associated with this stage include: Self-Reflections, Trust-Building, & Group Initiatives Genuine Community/ Performing Stage: As a genuine community, the group itself becomes its own contemplative entity that is larger than the sum of the individuals. It is self-aware and examines itself.
Genuine communities are tied to a type of emptiness and vulnerability that proves immensely difficult and often impossible to sustain. Within a genuine community exists a freedom to be wholly accepted and acceptable for being ourselves. Activities associated with this stage include: Social Responsibility Adjourning, Transforming, and Mourning Stage The final stage of group formation revolves around the completion of the group. Activities associated with this stage include: Closing These ideas stem from a combination of:
Stages of Group Development (Bruce Tuckman) & Stages of Community-Making (Scott Peck) I aim to support the development of individuals through using group structures. My goal is to create and facilitate conditions that allow members of short-term intentional communities to internalize the feelings and positive effects of belonging after the community has dissolved.
I structure my programs based on the idea that a sense of belonging exists on a spectrum, where the more conditions that are met, the more one feels belonging. For example, the ability to be vulnerable and have a shared emotional connection can take place within a group of people through commitment and the belief that members have shared and will share history, common place, time together, and similar experiences. I use these conditions to create communities centered on the shared interest of self and group explorations, instead of a pre-existed shared group identity or passion, such as religion or political views. the basis of our communities is an interest in human connection.
A major obstacle to creating connections is that people do not realize they have cultures. They think they are normal and natural and then blame people who do not perceive their reality of the world. Conflict comes naturally from diverse and conflicting individuals, but within a genuine community, the group fights gracefully, because after emptying ones’ predispositions, there is no longer an insistence on being right.
This is one of the underlying principles of Chrysalis and a discussion point in the introduction sessions for every program.
It’s easy to look at someone else’s practice and think that it’s wrong or morally backwards. Loving Curiosity means recognizing difference, but being genuinely curious and coming from a place of love without adding a value judgment. “I love you and this community. I am going to listen and will try to understand without feeling the need to change you.” (for further insight, see “Emptiness” in the Group Stages blog post) |
AuthorVrindy Spencer is constantly seeking inspiration on topics of personal and human development, leadership, community, connection, and intimacy (with self and others). Archives
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